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I found my spirituality this year, this is what I want my circle to know… 

My entire life, I have felt drawn to spiritual “stuff”. It started when I was little, my grandma practiced Reiki, and whenever I felt down, or just randomly after school, she would do a Reiki session on me. I never really understood what it was, but I only knew that I loved it and that I felt better afterwards. She also had prints of sacred geometry, so our water was always charged by the symbols, and she had crystals that pulled in the bad energies in a room. I was always fascinated by it, and many people came to my grandma for help, and they all valued her so much. 

She stopped taking clients in the past few years and she hasn’t done Reiki on me in forever, but it definitely was the reason why I always had a connection to spirituality. 

I never really looked into it, I always took pride that I am an Aries, and that was about it. I always felt drawn to fantasy, to dark stuff, I loved playing with my dark side, but I also tried to tell myself that spirituality is crazy, because that’s the general understanding that society has. 

Then in February this year, my grandma died. I had never believed in a life after death, but I couldn’t believe she was just gone, and I started believing that our souls live on, that she watches over me. Then Corona hit, then Black Lives Matter rose and I felt so lost because I could not understand how this could all possibly be happening (not BLM of course, the fact that a movement like BLM is necessary because racism is still so prevalent). I completely fell off the wagon, for months I tried to build a blog and fulfill my biggest dream of being self-employed, but I was unable to do anything. I thought… the world is crumbling and here I am, talking about my favorite skincare products? There has to be more. 

I looked more into self-care, and I randomly came across a blog post that talked about how a Saturn-Pluto conjunction happened in many years of uprisings as well as pandemics, and I was so fascinated by it. I read more and more about astrology because after all, there is a HUGE universe out there and we are one tiny little ball, the moon influences the tides of our oceans, why wouldn’t the solar system affect other events on this planet?

I started following astrology pages on Instagram, then witchy pages, I got into crystals, learned about chakras and all of a sudden, I felt better than I did in years. I was so much at peace, and I had an entirely unknown world in front of me to discover. There are some practices that I still don’t believe in, like hand reading or fortune telling, but spirituality has so many sides to it and with everything I learn, I feel better about myself.

I invested in a coaching program, despite everything in me telling me that I shouldn’t, because that’s what I was taught, don’t invest money in that kind of stuff. But two months later, I have gone through more growth than I have in the past 6 years, I feel amazing, I know my purpose, I have better control of my emotions, I have let go of fears that kept me paralyzed for years, I speak up more, I am setting boundaries, I have an amazing community of like-minded women who support me. 

I am not untouchable, I know that inner work is never finished and that new stuff will always come up, but for the first time in my life, I feel like I am in control. I believe in myself. I believe that I can make my dreams happen, and I believe that the Universe supports me. 

And I don’t have proof that chakras exist, but what I do know is this: 

When I worked on my root chakra, I released many of my fears, I feel safer, and my relationship with money changed. 

When I worked on my sacral chakra, I stopped feeling guilty about making myself a priority, I got to the root of many of my emotions and I got so much better at controlling them, I act less on impulse, and my creativity levels are just through the roof. 

When I worked on my solar plexus chakra, I became more confident, I felt more energy and I have more trust in myself and to be who I am meant to be.

When I worked on my heart chakra, my entire life changed. I realized that all throughout my life, I always gave more than I received because I was so scared that people would leave me when I didn’t give my all, and so I just gave and gave without ever asking anything in return. I realized that I was so much in my masculine and that I was scared of feeling into my feminine side. I wrote 10 pages in my journal, I went through all my past journals and I cried for hours because I finally realized what pattern I need to break in order to become truly happy. 

And I learned that everything I do, I have to do with love, and that love is the only thing that heals and helps. My actions come from a place of love, I view my relationship in a new light, and I remind myself to keep balance in all that I do. 

I started working on my throat chakra this week and I already feel more comfortable to speak up and ask for what I need, and to speak my truth. 

I have not yet gotten to third eye and crown, but I know they will be just as transformational. 

So how I can I not believe in chakras when since I started working on balancing them, my entire life got better? 

I have some unanswered questions about astrology, but I know that I don’t only notice behaviors in myself that align with what a horoscope said about a certain planet constellation or a planet being in this or that sign, but also in my friends, family and my partner. 

I don’t know if crystals work, but I feel better when I have them with me. 

I don’t know if my oracle cards work, but I know that whenever I acted in accordance with what they said, I felt better. 

What I do know is that the Universe gives you what you ask for. For years I sent out the wrong signals, and ever since I started reprogramming my thoughts, I suddenly start getting what I want. Just this week, I manifested 1500€ through an unexpected payment, and I manifested that I found my purpose. 

I realized I have been doing shadow work for years, but since I started including spiritual practices, damn did that elevate my work. I started doing inner child work, and it blew my mind how so many of my emotions are rooted in events from my childhood or beliefs that were passed onto me from my family. 

So here’s the thing: I am not asking anyone to believe in what I do, I am just asking for acceptance, and I am asking to not be judged. 

I can’t help but compare my spirituality to religion. 

I am an agnostic who leans towards being an atheist, and my entire life I was taught that the church is evil, and so I have a huge resentment towards religion. 

But – if you find peace and joy in your religion, I would never take that away from you. I might not understand, but I am happy that it makes you happy. 

Still, my view on religion is that it tells people to play small, to only trust in God, to not commit sins and to be devoted. 

And it makes me so mad when people force their religion on others. Nothing in history has killed more people than religion, children got killed for being born into the wrong religion, women got raped because they followed the wrong religion, wars have been fought and are still fought over religion. Religion is used to justify abortions, to justify beheadings of girls who had premarital sex, to take away women’s rights. 

Religion can be wonderful, but it also causes so much pain.

And so many people turn away from religion, many left church, or never got baptized like me. But religion is still something that is almost untouchable, and nobody would dare to insult someone for being religious, at least as long as no racism is involved.

Imagine if my boyfriend’s parents went to church, and I would say: “Wow you really believe in that shit? Have fun with those telltales that are being told in your little fantasy book. You are crazy, no sane person would believe that Jesus saved us all from our sins or whatever”. 

Of course I would never say that, because I know that religion is sacred, and that it is never okay to insult someone for their beliefs.

So why do people tell me this? 

Why is the reaction to when I say that I found spirituality that I turned crazy, that astrology is bullshit, that there is no such thing as chakras, that crystals don’t help at anything, that the Universe is just a bunch of stars and nothing more? 

The only difference between religion and spirituality is that one has been socially accepted because it is the norm, and the other is seen as occult, as strange, as dangerous. 

When someone comes to you and tells you they found God and that they are now religious, you might say wow that is nice, I am happy you found something that helps you.

But when someone comes to you and says “I balanced my chakras and feel amazing”, you might say… uhm what, when did you go crazy? 

But in the end, spirituality is about finding peace in yourself, about doing inner work that heals yourself, about finding answers to questions you have asked yourself all your life. 

My spirituality helped me like no person in my entire life ever has, because it has taught me that I have the strength all in myself, that everything I want in life is already within me. 

I will never force my spirituality on anyone. I take notes for myself on what chakra I think is blocked for someone or what emotion they should do some shadow work on, but I will never tell anyone to practice something they have no interest in. I will of course gladly introduce them to this world that has brought me so much peace and growth.

So what I am asking for is acceptance. I mean I would love some interest, to be able to talk about it and not having the other person look at me like I lost my mind, but I really only want acceptance. 

You can think that it’s crazy that I do a morning and night ritual each day, that I read my horoscope daily, that I balance my chakras, that I do oracle card readings, that I keep my crystals with me, that I meditate and tap, I also think religion is crazy, but I would never let a religious person know that, as long as it gives them peace. 

And all I am asking for is that you do the same for me, so that I can feel safe and supported in being who I am meant to be.

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